Where do I stand?


Excuse any of this article that seems grey, it’s a difficult topic for me to explain. I hate standing alone, unless I really know what I stand for. I don’t like being left in the dark, not knowing which way is right or accepted. In recent years, I have found myself standing in the middle of a situation not knowing where I belong. I have always grown up with believing in God, not necessarily going to church every Sunday. My family goes to church every Christmas and Easter, and I went to bed every night saying my prayers. Nonetheless, he is a very influential being in my life, but definitely not the tightest relationship I have. Attending Fresno Pacific University has definitely put me right in the middle of a christian lifestyle, whether I was ready for it or not. I think part of me felt overwhelmed by this and automatically shut the doors to it, scared that I wasn’t enough to fit in with the majority of the group. I have friends that are very strong believers, and I have friends who are Atheists. The problem is, I don’t know where I stand; some where in the middle.

I guess in simple terms, I’m envious of those who know what they want to believe.

Being friends with both sides of this spectrum, I have seen the extremes. But both sides have something that I don’t; certainty.

Knowing people who are so involved with church and have very strong relationships with God, I tend to look on my relationship with him with a curious mind. I believe in him, but why don’t I have that strong of bond? Do I not put enough into it? Truth is, I am not really into the whole church thing. I love the sermons and listening to the preacher and what not. But part of me walks into a church and I feel so out of place. Preacher talks of story in the Bible, everyone nods in approval but I am stuck in my chair feeling lost. Every one in that building will tell you every Christian comes at their own pace, but it doesn’t help how I am feeling currently. I am shy to say this, but I am not into joining the fad of small groups yet. The roaring  worship halls and the bright lights do make church more contemporary but I can’t help feel disconnected from it all. Part of me doesn’t want to allow myself to open up to it, because I don’t know if I can. 

Being a science major/nerd, I love reading about the origin of the Earth. This obviously contradicts directly with Christians. I had a fear that this contradiction would not allow me to have a strong relationship with God or have any sense of belonging; forever in the middle. Knowing this, I actually read this book called Biology in the Eyes of Faith (if you are in the same boat as me, I highly recommend it). I learned of different groups of creationists, one being Evolutionary Creationists. This group allows for a faith, as well as a science background and aligning the literal events in the Bible to history. I am sure there are more than I out there who are like this, but this gave me a sense of belonging.

All in all, I have found that I am an Evolutionary Creationist. I believe in the Big Bang and also love the stories in the Bible. I rather read my Bible alone in a coffee shop or late at night before bed. Either way, whatever I am doing I am building a relationship with the Lord and strengthening my faith. I have a sense of belonging, even if I am in the middle of this spectrum. And that is more comfort than I need in order to stand in this grey area in the middle of two extremes. I don’t need to be apart of the raving worships, and I don’t need to shut the door on my faith completely.


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