Late Night Thoughts

I should probably go to bed since I have to be up at six, but I just have some stuff on my mind that’s kinda been frustrating me lately.

I struggle with effort in a lot of ways. I always do try to give my best effort in situations, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. From juggling five things at college at once, one or two of those are bound to get a little less attention. Simply said, with polo, school and social life, having all three is impossible. Water polo is pretty much a job in college since I am on scholarship, but I am there to get an education so school is just as important. At the end of the day, I want to just sleep; not go and hang out with friends. 

Just for an example, not that this is the case right now since I no longer swim but here it goes. So I’m swimming a race, and I’m going a decent pace and I finish the race somewhat close to my best time. However, I missed the state cut by .01 seconds. Sure, the time is great, but all I can think is “what if I tried this much harder? Or kicked that much faster?” Essentially, it’s a game of what if’s. 

In any and all cases that I fall short, whether a game or relationships, effort on my part always comes to mind. What if I tried a little harder to keep in touch? It’s frustrating to me because I take all the blame for most things, but at the same time some things just can’t fit in the schedule. When I went to college, my time was filled with mounds of papers and hours worth of practices. Being 900 miles away from home is harder than it seems, especially me who is probably one of the biggest home bodies there is. Before you go off to college, you are given tips and warned of many things. Don’t forget to workout, don’t eat just junk food, and don’t forget to call home and friends. You are warned of growing apart from friends and such. I guess I never thought it’d happen, but I don’t know what I really expected. If no time or not enough time is given, growing apart will happen. It’s been frustrating lately to me because most people from my high school stayed local or at most a couple hour drive. All of them seem to be still the best of friends, but it’s hard because I came home a month and a half ago and have never felt more disconnected. I feel like I left and kind of dropped off the face of the earth. It wasn’t until a couple days ago when someone asked me something that I realized how distant from the group I really was. I can’t explain the feeling, but I feel alone, even though I know subconsciously I am not. I’m not looking for pity, but I’m more frustrated with myself for not putting the effort in.  Again, however, I don’t want to beat myself up for it just because I know my time wasn’t that free. It’s sad to see this happen and honestly thinking about it breaks my heart, but I know it happens. I should have tried harder, but I know what should happen will. I’m trying to keep patient and keep faith in hard times because I know the Lord has an amazing plan. 

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